I Don't Know How To Wicked
The blockbuster has made all the money (and might win all the awards). Why?
I have to be honest here. I have no clue how to write about Wicked. It’s the only movie anyone’s talking about right now and I’m honestly at a loss when it comes to takes. I was told by many1 people that they were waiting for my review and well … here it is.
My official review of Wicked is *drumroll please* that it was fine. I know that’s a lame analysis, but I went in with low expectations, was pleasantly surprised2 and am now exhausted by its dominance. The movie, over its 9.5-hour runtime, goes through ebbs and flows from the always-fun and well-choreographed “Popular” to the energetic and chorus-heavy “Dancing Through Life” to such lows as “The Wizard and I,” which was filmed in a nearby wheat field(?) and “Defying Gravity”—the song is great and Cynthia Erivo’s performance is solid, but it’s intercut time and time again for some reason halting any momentum and prolonging the inevitable.
There was a lot of backlash before the movie came out that it looked bad, and to be honest most of the backlash was right. The CGI (especially the animals) is atrocious and having this as a “follow-up” to the technicolor marvel that is The Wizard of Oz is like following up a Guinness with a Natty Light. Most of the acting is stilted and Michelle Yeoh and Jeff Goldblum zone out while in the middle of their scenes.
Also, I’ve seen this show twice and I completely forgot how much of the plot is centered on indentured animal servitude and a George Orwellian Animal Farm-esque story.
If the movie was merely a Wikipedia entry of the musical (which it is) and blockbuster hit, that would be one thing, but the movie has found its way into the cultural consciousness a la Barbie. Which is frankly exhausting.
And yes, comparing this mega-blockbuster female-centric dramedy to last year’s mega-blockbuster female-centric dramedy may feel like too easy of a comp, but the Wicked team is following in its predecessor’s footsteps in every way, from the nonstop marketing to the this movie is for the good guys press-rollout to the frankly insane cultural dialogue that somehow turned this movie into a treatise on republicans and Donald Trump.
The following (Four Opinion Writers on ‘Wicked’: ‘Women Deserve Rage. We Have a Lot to Be Angry About.’) is from the New York Times Opinion section:
The identity politics of the film are arguably more about gender and liberalism. The long history of persecuting witches has been tied to political campaigns to acquire land, own the labor of workers and control women’s economic freedom. When Elphaba goes to Oz, the Wizard is a stand-in for that history. He basically proposes a gentrification plan for Oz. And he needs Elphaba’s labor, or magic, to achieve it. The gender politics don’t get more obvious than that. I thought about Silvia Federici’s classic book “Caliban and the Witch” throughout the movie.
Now, a power-hungry pulling-the-political-strings madman with no real power other than marketing himself is … not dissimilar to what we have today. And yet the movie feels like it falls under the weight of its lofty goals.
What this all reminds me of is perhaps the most quotable line from Mad Men:
Don Draper : That's how this works. I pay you for ideas.
Peggy Olson : You never say "thank you!"
Don Draper : That's what the money is for!
Wicked won. It’s a two-part phenomenon that will make oodles of money and live on for moms and late millennials for the next hundred years, so its push toward awards glory and cultural cache is frankly nonsensical and ridiculous to me.
Just recently, it was named Best Picture by the National Board of Review, made the top-ten list of the American Film Institute and Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo are firmly planted in their respective categories. I feel like I’m going insane. It’s fine, but it’s far from one of the best movies of the year, especially considering that it’s Part One of a two-parter, which has no real ending and is essentially a spicy fan-fic of The Wizard of Oz.
Although harsh, I can’t really disagree with this Wicked and Ariana review that (let’s just say) was not glowing:
While I am sympathetic to nostalgia’s effect on critical thinking, I need to be perfectly clear that Wicked is unacceptably bad. It is not harmlessly “fine,” but at times visually and narratively illegible, and not in a funny way. Everyone in the film except Ariana Grande and Jonathan Bailey are impressively incapable at performing, and, in everyone but Erivo’s case, also singing … This isn’t a 90-minute romp where such oopsies can be overlooked; it is a daunting 2-hour-and-40-minute lecture about FAKE lore from The Wizard of Oz. I do not like the Wicked musical because Stephen Schwartz is a talentless loser who was tasked with writing children’s songs to score an adaptation of a Wizard of Oz prequel about animal rights, and, would you believe it, failed at making that interesting. But I’ll let the source material rest and say that Jon M. Chu has exclusively directed the ugliest, most boring, unfunny, and painful studio films I have ever theatrically endured, and Wicked is no exception. —Clare
Rewarding Wicked for being “pretty good,” especially when it’s about to inspire countless shoddily-made musical-to-film reinterpretations3 feels like the wrong lesson from all of this. Give them money, sure, but positive feedback and laurels? This is how we end up with the umpteenth conveyer-belt Marvel movie.
Maybe this is me just being an old fuddy-duddy—it definitely is, I get it—but I sincerely can’t imagine watching a smattering of just 10 movies from this year and thinking that Wicked is the best. The AFI’s aforementioned top-ten list (which is usually pretty damn close to the Best Picture rundown) is as follows:
“Anora” (Neon) “The Brutalist” (A24) “A Complete Unknown” (Searchlight Pictures) “Conclave” (Focus Features) “Dune: Part Two” (Warner Bros.) “Emilia Pérez” (Netflix) “Nickel Boys” (Amazon MGM Studios) “A Real Pain” (Searchlight Pictures) “Sing Sing” (A24) “Wicked” (Universal Pictures)
I have yet to see A Complete Unknown and Nickel Boys, but putting Wicked on a list with Anora, The Brutalist, Dune: Part Two, A Real Pain and Sing Sing is honestly lunacy. I found Wicked to be a better watch than potential Best Picture opponent Conclave, but with that said, Conclave is a much better-looking, developed and acted movie. We really needed Stanley Tucci to belt out “Defying Gravity.”
Wicked has been swept up in a wave of goodwill, political exhaustion and money and now has a real chance at winning Best Picture. My takeaway here is that more people need to see more movies. But that could just be the thesis of this entire Substack.
Anyway, Wicked is fine. See it if you want, or don’t. I don’t know anymore.
many = 3
especially by Ariana Grande who was kind of built for this
If you don’t think there’s a 12-part Hamilton musical coming to theaters near you over the next 20 years, you’re an idiot.