The Time I Almost ‘Starred’ In A Chalamet Movie

This is a true story.

To the 12 of you waiting for this newsletter to get to your inboxes, I’m sorry for the delay (and shorter post) this week. It’s been very busy with the Masters, prepping for a London vacation (no newsletter next week, apologies) and watching the nearly three-hour 2007 film Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End for some reason. Anyway, here’s a fun little story about the time—earlier this week—when I tried to audition for the new Timothée Chalamet/Bob Dylan biopic.

A few weeks ago while scrolling on Instagram after midnight (never a good thing to do), I saw an ad looking for background actors to be in the new New York-set Chalamet movie. On a lark, I decided to sign up. I mean, why not? I’d probably never hear back. At the very least, it’s a fun/dumb thing to do. Then, last weekend, I received this text.

Now, I immediately got nervous as I’m wont to do. I’m not a good actor, haven’t auditioned for a role since middle school and I just like worrying about myself. It’s part of my charm.

I responded that I could do an 11 am open call and BAM—I was on the schedule for Monday morning. My mind started racing. Would I have lines? What should I audition with? Could I remember my song about Gaston as LeFou in Holdrum Middle School’s production of Beauty and the Beast?

Well, Monday morning quickly arrived and I joined the call a few minutes early. Of course.

What was playing but a glitchy, unbelievably loud version of Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams.” Soon after, this woman popped up on the screen and started doing a roll call of people whose Zooms weren’t properly labeled. You gotta properly label your Zooms, people. Also, one individual demanded that they go by their stage name. This was good stuff.

Unfortunately, that’s where the fun times ended and I quickly realized that I was in the acting version of a pyramid scheme. There would be no auditioning today and no way for me to yell “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH” on Zoom from my one-bedroom apartment. Instead, the woman leading the meeting invited us to pay for classes to work on our auditions and put together acting packets. Maybe eventually we could audition for the Chalamet movie or some new Marvel project or some commercials.

This is not what I wanted. Perhaps I was being naive but I just wanted to be in the background of a single shot so I could post it on my Insta stories. I did not want to work. I do not dream of labor. So, I dropped off the Zoom. My dream was dead.

And thus, I lost my chance to be in the new Bob Dylan biopic. Now, you might be thinking, this is a pretty nothing story and went nowhere. And yes, you’re right. But you’re still reading this, so who’s laughing now?

Okay, bye. See you the week after next. I still have to write about La Chimera, Monkey Man and Civil War. Maybe someday. England first.