The Thing About The Gray Man Is That It Sucks
Apologies to Ryan Gosling, Ana de Armas and Chris Evans. I hope they got PAID.
Oh, what’s this? A new movie, available at the click of a button, starring Ryan Gosling as an anonymous James Bond/Jack Reacher type with Ana de Armas as a fellow spy and Chris Evans as a homicidal, megalomaniacal former CIA agent?
One would think that at the very worst, The Gray Man would be a thrilling romp across the world, and at its very best, a must-see action, adventure movie…
It somehow is a must-see movie but for none of the reasons you (or I) might think.
It’s garbage. Just pure shlock covered in Netflix gloss that feels like a two-hour-plus trailer for a long line of sequels and spin-offs and McDonald’s action figures if they even still make those. This movie actively hates movies and winks to the camera incessantly in the smuggest of ways.
The directors of The Gray Man, the Russo Brothers, are at the pinnacle of success in terms of box office and the nadir when it comes to making something compelling. They’ve gone as far as to call this Netflix original “business-focused content” and have made no qualms about using this as a stepping stone to make more and more projects. Each probably being worse than the predecessor.
After their work on shows like Community, Arrested Development and Happy Endings (which I really respect and admire), the Russo Brothers have become Hollywood workhorses putting out four Marvel films, including Avengers: Endgame, and becoming their own boutique label in a way, in which they take interesting novels like Cherry and The Gray Man and turn them into pieces of content that they can brand, sell and then move on from.
The movie itself is whatever. Despite its globe-spanning plot and convoluted backstory, this story is simplified to its basest elements: this white guy is good, this white guy is bad and they are mad at each other. Its action—constantly cutting, near-unwatchable and brutal only for shock value—is as bland as the latest Marvel films and uses CGI in place of ideas.
I think the reason that it infuriates me so is that there’s a growing chorus that this is what movies are now. There’s little ingenuity or collaboration. It’s a paycheck. I don’t blame Gosling, de Armas or Evans for taking the streaming service’s money. Get that $$$ while you can. It’s just … you have three great actors and an interesting premise. Do something with it.
Anyway, this movie is very bad. It’s a bummer that it’s already been greenlit for a sequel and spinoff. Netflix will release some statement that says that The Gray Man is the most-watched movie of all time between 6:32 p.m. and 9:23 p.m. on every other Thursday or some shit, and Gosling will be stuck making one of these a year until 2050. Good times.
Also, don’t attack the theatrical model. Go to hell.
It’s Film Festival SZN
Now that we’re in August, there’s a deluge of trailers, hubbub and (quite frankly) chaos. Recently, both the Venice Film Festival and Toronto International Film Festival announced their lineups, which gives us a good look at the upcoming awards race and what movies are going to be front and center when it comes to the final quarter of 2022.
Some of the big titles include Steven Spielberg’s The Fabelmans loosely based on his childhood, Noah Baumbach’s White Noise starring Adam Driver and Greta Gerwig, Bones and All from Luca Guadagnino featuring Timothée Chalamet, Don’t Worry Darling which broke up Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis’s marriage(?) (it also centers on Florence Pugh and Harry Styles) and many, many other films.
It’s the best time of the year. Everything is still good (except for The Gray Man). Very little has been released yet, so it’s purely optimism and hope. We’ve got some teasers too. The movies are back.
A few of the less buzzy releases I’m really excited about are The Banshees Of Inisherin (an In Bruges reunion), Tár from Todd Field and Decision to Leave from Park Chan-wook.
Oh, also … the Knives Out sequel and The Son from Florian Zeller and Empire of Light from Sam Mendes and Triangle of Sadness from Ruben Östlund and Women Talking from Sarah Polley.
And you can’t forget abo— [Editor’s Note: We’ve had to cut Greg off because he would’ve just listed movies for days and days. We can vouch that he’s excited for them. Have a nice day.]