The July Halftime Movie Awards
It's time to give out some trophies. This will be pretty random.
I miss awards season.
We’re in the middle of the summer and it’s hot and my entire body has been burnt and Minions: Rise of Gru is dominating the box office. We’re more than halfway through the year (absurd) and that means it’s time for a recap of sorts.
It seems like everyone and their mother is doing a normal list of their top ten movies so far this year, but that’s boring. We’ll get into 2022 lists when it’s time to get into 2022 lists. Also, a friend told me that I “post/talk about [The Worst Person in the World] constantly,” and since that’s still atop the rankings, we don’t need to discuss it any further.
Thus, we have the first-annual July Halftime Movie Awards, in which I make up a bunch of awards (some semi-serious, some not serious at all) and then give them out to things I’ve seen so far this year.
Pretty simple, I think. Let’s get into it.
Also, by the way, there’s a chance this email is too long if you have Gmail, so you may have to read this in Substack. I’m not cutting anything though. Google can’t stop me.
Best “Movies Are Back” Movie
Top Gun: Maverick
As I write this Top Gun: Maverick has made over $1 billion and is the biggest movie of the year. The Tom Cruise (aerial) vehicle is as entertaining as a theatrical watch as anything else we’ve had over the last few years, and it’s somehow better than its predecessor. I don’t know anyone who saw this movie that didn’t at least enjoy it. Truly a miracle.
Best Non-Renate Performance of the Year
TIE: Kristen Stewart in Crimes of the Future & Antonio Banderas in Official Competition & Stephanie Hsu in Everything Everywhere All at Once
Just three otherworldly performances in drastically different movies. Stewart is as weird as weird can be without sinking the movie while Hsu shines as the anxious daughter/villain/chaotic dressed. Banderas may be a bit more under the radar in Official Competition but he plays a deservedly arrogant star to perfection. Michelle Yeoh could also easily be on this list for EEAAO but it felt right to just have one performance.
Worst Movie
The 355
This movie is spearheaded by multiple Oscar-winning actresses and it’s just terrible. You know it’s a bad sign when an action flick starring Jessica Chastain, Penélope Cruz and Lupita Nyong'o is pushed to January.
Best Catching of a Spear and Throwing It Back
Alexander Skarsgård in The Northman
There were no other contenders this year … so far.
Most WTF Moment
The last 20 minutes of Men
The end of this movie is as uncomfortable and graphic as a movie can be. It’s insane. Go see it.
Funniest Random Gag in a Jane Austen Adaptation
Will constantly throwing his ice cream in Fire Island
I’m not sure why, but Conrad Ricamora’s character of Will constantly eating ice cream and throwing it away was gold. Solid Hulu release and I hope everyone involved keeps getting to make movies.
Best “Hey, That Was Pretty Good” Movie You Probably Haven’t Heard Of
The Outfit
This one was in theaters for a second and is now on Peacock and VOD. It’s a gangster mystery thriller with Mark Rylance and Zoey Deutch that has some fun twists and never takes itself too seriously. It knows what it is and I respect that.
Best Horror Movie
Happening
A woman in France in the 1960s tries to get an abortion after an unwanted pregnancy. It could very easily be translated into a modern-day story, and that’s horrific. Really strong lead performance from Anamaria Vartolomei with brilliant directing from Audrey Diwan.
The Al Pacino “Most Acting” Award
Jake Gyllenhaal in Ambulance
Al Pacino is a great actor. He’s also constantly trying to act everyone offscreen. This is neither a good nor bad thing. It just is. Gyllenhaal in Ambulance turns the charm and insanity up to 11 and just goes for it. It’s perfect for this ridiculous (yet fun) movie.
Best Miles Teller
Ke Huy Quan in Everything Everywhere All at Once
Apologies to Miles Teller who’s in Top Gun: Maverick and Spiderhead. But Best Miles Teller goes to shapeshifter Ke Huy Quan who plays a number of roles in EEAAO but never strays from the core ethos of his character. Quan could also be given the performance of the year. If he wanted to be Miles Teller, he could. Give him a mustache and BOOM—he’ll become Teller.
Best Mustache
Kenneth Branagh in Death on the Nile
No need to elaborate on this one. Another loss for Miles Teller.
The Steven Soderbergh Movie of the Year
Kimi directed by Steven Soderbergh
Steven Soderbergh is a workhorse. According to Vulture, he’s directed 33 movies, and he doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. Kimi is a fun paranoia thriller starring Zoë Kravitz set in covid times. It’s on HBO Max and is better than almost every other direct-to-streaming movie.
Best Foreign-Language Love Story that isn’t The Worst Person in the World
TIE: RRR & Anaïs in Love
Two movies that couldn’t be more different, RRR and Anaïs in Love are both “love” stories that you should see. The first is an Indian Telugu-language three-hour epic about two men who find friendship despite their differences and the second is about a French woman who falls in love with the wife of the person she’s having an affair with. It’s complicated.
Movie I’ll Think About the Least in 2023
Sundown
It was fine, I guess. There’s very little proof this is a real movie.
Dumbest Premise
Marry Me
[in the best Owen Wilson voice you’ve ever heard]
WOW.