The Horror Movie Poster Game
A special guest rates a bunch of posters and makes some blind guesses.
As you all know, I love a good bit. And one of my favorite recent bits is sending horror movie posters to my friend Alex, a horror movie hater and person who made it 15 minutes into The Substance before fully hiding in her sweatshirt (pictured above) and peeking out when things weren’t too scary.
Because I’m an asshole, whenever there’s a good—and by good, I mean horrifying and/or grotesque—new horror movie poster, I’ll send it on over to Alex. Then she gets mad, sends a bunch of blank messages so as to not accidentally come across that poster again and I chuckle. Rinse, repeat.
So, here’s a new game we’re playing. I picked out 20 horror movie posters—some more recent, some famous, some just gross—randomized them and then asked Alex to give me her immediate take. Also, she’s going to make some blind guesses at plot synopses with just the posters to go on.
A few of these movies are pretty famous, so she might accidentally luck into a couple, but I think things are going to get pretty ridiculous pretty fast, which is why we’re all here.
And now, without further ado, please enjoy…
Reaction: “Not that bad. I guess I don’t really know what I’m looking at here."
Guess: “I got nothing. She’s just scared. Like me. That’s just life. I wake up like that. You know what I’m saying?”
Reaction: “There’s a knife and a claw. It’s giving monster killer claw. That’s all I’ve got.”
Guess: “This one is about a guy who looks like a regular guy who turns into a killer who’s a regular monster—and he only kills women, definitely. Definitely. Definitely.”
Reaction: “Not too scary. Kinda feels like monsters in the closet. I can live with this one. I didn’t realize this was Alien.”
Guess: “I don’t know. I know that an alien comes out of somebody’s stomach. And it has something to do with that monster in the dark. Because it’s dark in the photo. The monster possesses someone and they go to the hospital and they remove it. And that’s all I got.”
Reaction: “Okay, this isn’t that scary.”
Guess: “I think it’s a classic; he brings the girl on a date. But then, once in the car, after they hook up, she kills him.”
Reaction: “No, no. Don’t do that. I have tears in my eyes, Greg. That was horrible. I can’t even look at it. Turn the screen around. Ughhh.”
Guess: “This is all very disturbed. Clearly, this woman is possessed and has to cut open her stomach, and then there are more legs in her stomach. And so she turns into a spider with more legs.”
Reaction: “Okay, I never SAW this one. Not too bad. Know it’s gonna be gory. But whatever.”
Guess: “It’s obviously about a saw. Similar to chainsaw. It’s an old, scary movie. Just sawwing people up. Maybe eating. Maybe some cannibalism going on in there.”
Reaction: “No, Greg! I don’t like it. Immediate no. Immediate repulse. That’s disgusting. I need to go get some water. I don’t want to see it!”
Guess: “I don’t know. I never want to see that movie. I think it’s clearly about that kid who doesn’t speak who ruins everything. And it’s really scary. Really, really scary.”
Reaction: “Are you serious right now? I can’t. This is the worst one you’ve shown me. I have no words for that one. That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. Hate it. That one shook me to my core. I don’t do that.”
Guess: “I don’t know. I don’t even want to know. Turn the screen away. Now.”
Reaction: “Okay, this one’s just gross. I’m okay with it because it’s a painting. Nothing else. Not too bad. I can handle that one.”
Guess: “This one is obviously about a green room, and it’s set in a green room before a show. Someone in the green room gets really mad. Oh, cannibalism! It’s about cannibalism. That’s it.”
Reaction: “I haven’t seen this one. Okay, I haven’t seen any of these. A brutal one. Don’t like the mask. Don’t like that her arms are up. Don’t care for any of it.”
Guess: “A guy who’s fucked in the head who goes around chainsawing all women. That’s it.”
Reaction: “No! No! I don’t like that one. They’re like in each other. The eyeballs that close. It’s all disgusting. It’s gross. It’s way too zoomed in. It’s just horrible. Imagine being the model in that. Stop showing this to me.”
Guess: “They’re both possessed. It’s like a really scary Freaky Friday. That's all I’m gonna say.”
Reaction: “This one isn’t that scary. Because it’s a painting. Paintings don’t scare me! It’s giving Stranger Things pumpkin patch. Definitely a zombie invasion thing.”
Guess: “It’s a zombie apocalypse movie that takes place in a garden, in dirt. And they come up from the ground and that’s how they kill everybody.”
Reaction: “That’s terrifying. Get it away. Get it away. That’s my biggest nightmare. I don’t want to be in a body bag, especially alive. What’s wrong with people?”
Guess: “This one’s about being buried alive. And he likes it, and he’s happy about it. And he escapes underground and goes on a killing spree. And it’s terrible."
Reaction: “Oh, jeez. Oh, god. Do we know her? What are you hungry for? Yeah, this is definitely cannibalism. Just gross and eerie.”
Guess: “CLEARLY it’s cannibalism. And she eats the guy she hooks up with, for sure. For sure. She eats all of the men.”
Reaction: “I like this one because it’s A New England Folktale. But it looks very scary. I’m never going to watch it.”
Guess: “This one is definitely set in the New England woods. It has to do with the witch trials … but also werewolves. It’s set in Salem, Mass., and she’s a witch herself, and she’s running away from the wolves.”
Reaction: “What?! What? This is freaky. Nightmare material for sure. I don’t like that one, Greg. I really don’t like that one.”
Guess: “This one is about a demon baby. The parents think there’s a normal baby, but it’s not. It’s a murderer. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.”
Reaction: “I’ve seen this one. But even that poster scares me. Okay, I’ve partially seen it. I don’t like it. Not at all.”
Guess: “I’ve seen it. I’ve partially seen it. I couldn’t get through it. I had to hide under my hoodie and make Greg skip through it. It’s not for the weak.”
Reaction: “That’s so fucked up. So fucked up. The blood. Whenever you bring in spirits like that, it’s terrifying.”
Guess: “This is very religious. Very spiritual. Some kid goes to church and some spirit goes in them and they become possessed. And it’s terrible. Then he goes back to other churches and starts possessing other kids at other churches.”
Reaction: “This one’s not that bad. I can do this one. Don’t love the dark, but it’s alright. Definitely an oldie.”
Guess: “She’s running away from something. Something is chasing her around a city. She’s gonna get caught and stabbed to death in the alley.”
Reaction: “I’m not a mask girl. The poster’s not that bad, but I know it’s going to be bad because of the mask. That’s my girl, Lupita. I love her. I will not see this movie, though.”
Guess: “This one is about … obviously masks. And she puts on different masks daily, but she’s really a killer. It’s set in New York City. I’m getting corporate America.”