The Bloody Nipple Awards: Best Movie Runners
It's Marathon Week. Let's look at some of the best actors when it comes to running.
Back in 2016—which is technically seven years ago but I consider it four at most—I ran a half-marathon. This is solely meant to be a humblebrag, but I ran it in 1:36:06, which is quite fast. Much faster than an out-of-shape 5’7” Jew has any right to move.
As I got to the finish line, I was exhausted (obviously) but felt pretty good otherwise. Which is why it was so surprising when a man from a nearby ambulance ran toward me asking if I was alright. Yeah, I mean, sure, I responded.
I was pretty surprised. Did I look that exhausted? Was something wrong?
Well, yes. There was blood running down my shirt as if I was in The Exorcist. This paramedic must’ve thought I was stabbed or something equally horrific.
Nope! My nipples had bled, most notably my right one, for more than half of the race and I just hadn’t noticed.
Truly grotesque stuff. I had it framed.
Now, this is as good of a segue as any into the first-annual (and maybe last, we’ll see how we’re feeling next year) Bloody Nipples. With the New York City Marathon quickly approaching, I wanted to run through the best actors when it comes to running. I’m staying away from movies solely about running, because where’s the fun in that?
Each winner will receive a vaunted Bloody Nipple award, and if they want a prick of my blood to put next to their Oscars, Golden Globes and other less-important awards, please have them reach out to me.
Sylvester Stallone & Michael B. Jordan
Let’s just get these out of the way, since running in movies doesn’t get any bigger than Rocky Balboa training. Creed, an incredible follow-up to the Sly franchise, also features a magnificent running sequence.
The music in both is pitch-perfect for their respective scenes. MBJ definitely has the better running form of the two, but the Rocky character is in worse shape in this running montage. Both are great and both would beat the shit out of me.
Marcus Henderson
Not every Bloody Nipple has to go to a movie centered on athletic endeavors. Get Out’s groundskeeper Walter, played by Marcus Henderson, has a startling running scene in which he freaks out the protagonist by practicing his running at night. Don’t want to spoil anything but that’s really good form. Not as good as Jesse Owens’ but certainly competitive.
Look at that hand placement and the quick cut. Strong stuff by Henderson who should be in a track biopic sometime soon. My high-school cross-country coach would’ve loved his stuff.
Laura Dern
Now, it’s tough to truly judge Laura Dern’s Jurassic Park running as she’s battling dinosaur-inflicted injuries for most of the run-time of the film, but she’s still able to get from place to place and move swiftly without full health. That’s important when it comes to running. It’s not just about your best day but your worst day too. I would argue that our worst days—some blood vs. nearly getting eaten by a dinosaur—are pretty dang similar.
Billy Crystal
Not only does Billy Crystal get to end up with Meg Ryan in a rom-com—man, there’s nothing more magical than the movies—but he even gets to get a bit of running in right before delivering his devastating and romantic When Harry Met Sally monologue.
Another Jew with a bit of athletic talent, Crystal goes for broke here when it comes to jogging. He’s got a good pace going considering he has a decent amount of cityscape to get through. And he’s somehow not drenched in sweat when he makes it to the New Year’s party. Impressive stuff from Billy.
Greta Gerwig
Greta Gerwig is running Hollywood now after Barbie, but she’s also a tremendous runner in her own right. *see what I did there*
There has never been (and there never will be) a more joyous running sequence than Gerwig’s in Frances Ha as she sprints, weaves and dances through New York. You can tell this is fiction, because no one has ever looked that happy running, and she wasn’t hit by a bike the second she started moving.
Tom Hanks
I mean … of course.
Renate Reinsve
Okay, this is a real “one for me” pick, but Renate Reinsve as Julie in The Worst Person in the World is getting an award from me one way or another. Perhaps she’s moving so fast here that everyone else is essentially frozen. I know that’s not the takeaway here, but let me have it.
The form leaves something to be desired, but she looks good while running, which is something that few of us can say about ourselves. I always look like I’m seconds away from death.
The Cullens
I guess this is technically cheating because they’re vampires. Does that count as performance-enhancing drugs? Anyway, we’ll never know as there’s no way that Edward Cullen and his family from Twilight will sit still for a blood test.
No matter what, Edward’s running in this scene is very fast (and laughable). Perhaps you’ve heard of this movie series once or twice or an infinite number of times. It … doesn’t really hold up, but it is extremely entertaining in its insanity.
Matthew Broderick
One of the best running montages, Matthew Broderick in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off has quite the task in front of him: Making it home before his parents. They have a car, he has his legs. And he gets through this obstacle course of sorts with aplomb. He even gets a little flirting in. Something near impossible while running. This is why Ferris is Ferris, and the rest of us just want to be him.
Ralph Fiennes
My Halloween costume this year was centered around 2014’s The Grand Budapest Hotel. Timely. This Wes Anderson movie is perfect and the Lobby Boy vibes are as good as it gets. Ralph Fiennes is a tightly wound ball of nerves throughout, but he’s almost always self-assured and collected, which is why his running is so funny to me. Look at that one strand of hair bouncing up and down as he sprints away from the authorities. Give him an award for that.
And we will.
Tom Cruise
The selections before this one are from one movie. Tom Cruise’s running movie is every Tom Cruise movie because no one runs on the big screen quite like Cruise. The man might be a Scientologist, but they must be teaching good form out there. Look at the hand movement.
Back in 2022, Ryan Hockensmith at ESPN put together a full feature on Cruise’s running. It’s worth reading for this anecdote alone…
When he was Glen Ridge's wrestling coach, Corbo would have his group of 20 or so wrestlers do a circuit around the high school. They'd run past the cafeteria, up the stairs to the second floor, all the way to the end of the school, down the stairs to the first floor, then all the way back to the cafeteria. "The loop," he calls it.
Cruise often got roughed up in the room by more experienced wrestlers -- by Corbo's count, Cruise was 7-12 as a varsity starter. But when it was time to do the loop, he would morph into that kid who couldn't back down from a challenge. He'd run the loop hard, getting competitive with some of the same teammates who'd squash him every day on the mat.
One time, Cruise had been hurtling through the hallways and sheepishly approached Corbo at the end of the run. He wanted his coach to come look at one of the big metal doors in the stairwell.
Corbo went with him and found that the small rectangular sliver of glass in one of the doors was cracked. Cruise had been trying to outsprint a teammate and plowed through the door so hard that he broke it. Corbo said thanks for telling him, and when he was asked later by a school administrator whether he had any idea how one of the thick glass windows had a long crack in it, Corbo covered for Cruise.
"I have no idea," he said. "Those are pretty hard to break."
So Corbo's answer to the billion-dollar question of Tom Cruise's running prowess is yes, he's a good runner.
The fact that he could crack a thick glass window means that Cruise is an immediate shoo-in for a Bloody Nipple. It doesn’t get more Bloody Nipple than that. Okay, did we say Bloody Nipple enough?
Good luck to everyone running the marathon this weekend, but more importantly, good luck to everyone cheering at the marathon, especially if you’ll be drinking all day. Remember … it’s a marathon, not a sprint.