'So You Come Crawling Back, You Cheap Sack of Shit'
Guys, we did it. Theaters are okay.
This is how my Tuesday went.
I went to the office (as one does), went to the gym (ropes & rowers class FYI), made dinner (heated up leftovers) and then saw Air. Air, for those who don’t know, is the new mid-tier Ben Affleck-directed movie starring Matt Damon. It came out last week, is centered on Nike’s attempt to sign Michael Jordan and is basically Moneyball if Moneyball was a little worse. Important note: I love Moneyball. I thought Air was very good and fun, but more importantly, so did my packed theater.
Yes, you read that correctly, a 6:45 p.m. showing of a non-IP-driven movie (unless you count basketball sneakerheads as intellectual property) at a mediocre Upper East Side AMC theater was able to pull in a large crowd. And that wasn’t all.
The Super Mario Bros. Movie, a solid flick for kids, was overflowing, as was a showing of Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves. Now, there are a few reasons for this. 1. There’s a dearth of movies for children at the moment, so having something is going to cause a rush. 2. It’s spring break in New York, so parents and their offspring need something to do. 3. It’s getting hot out and the weather isn’t a bummer, so why not? 4. People like popcorn. And, most importantly, 5. People want to go back to theaters in a big way.
Now, let’s get to the headline of this here article, which comes from a tweet centered on an It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia clip.
Well, I would’ve been able to embed the tweet if Elon Musk wasn’t constantly making everything worse for everyone, but here’s the video.
That video is quote-tweeting this article.
Describing a tweet is so goddamn stupid. I’m sorry that I just did that.
Anyway, now that streaming is starting to lose money for the respective companies, those in charge have decided to pull an about-face and push their films back into theatrical windows. This is simple math, but charging people to see a movie—instead of just putting a movie on a website in which someone’s already paying $8 a month—is a strategically-sound business move.
It’s awesome that no one could understand that over the last ten years or so, but the key to life is understanding that everyone in charge is an imbecile until proven otherwise.
I mean … here’s a section from the Variety article saying as much in much politer terms:
In recent years, Hollywood had a serious case of Netflix envy, with studios opting to launch their own streaming services. To do that, they amassed a lot of red ink building splashy streaming shows and shrunk the amount of time that movies screened exclusively in cinemas as a way of generating enthusiasm for the likes of Disney+, Paramount+ and HBO Max. But lately, Wall Street has soured on the economics of streaming, believing that the media conglomerates that run these services need to be as focused on making money as they are on attracting subscribers. Investors are not too thrilled about all the debt that’s been built up, either.
Wow, making movies for all sorts of viewers to see instead of just one type of story (you know who you are) repeating itself over and over again works. Who would’ve thought?
Over the last week, I’ve seen in theaters the aforementioned Air, a modern-day adult drama with real thought behind it, The Super Mario Bros. Movie, a fun movie for kids that isn’t much more than that, and How to Blow Up a Pipeline, a culturally relevant thriller that combines anger at the world with Ocean’s 11-esque set pieces. I’m not saying that these movies didn’t exist in the last few years, but it does feel like a new chapter with all of these in the same theaters concurrently, without one blockbuster property wiping everything off the map.
"Theaters want to say a big ‘I told you so." -Jeff Logan, theater-owner
It’s only April and we have a lot coming from horror movies (Evil Dead Rises, The Boogeyman) to epics (Beau is Afraid) to book adaptations (Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret., Flamin’ Hot) to indie adult fare (A Thousand and One, Master Gardener). We even have a raunchy comedy with an A-list actress in Jennifer Lawrence on the way. If that doesn’t take you back to the old days, I don’t know what will.
Now, not all of these will be good movies, but they’ll be actual movies that you can see in theaters and then discuss with friends and enemies. The future is here; it’s the past.