Oscars Winners & Winners(?)
Shoutout to dogs, Godzilla and Josh Peck.
I know that I sometimes come off a bit negative here, but sometimes you see Argylle and Madame Web within a matter of weeks and find yourself becoming a bit jaded about movies, art and life itself. Last night’s Oscars were pretty damn good, honestly as good as these things get. The show moved pretty well, ended at a relatively early time (as far as these things go) and rewarded some deserving individuals.
Over the last few years, I’ve found myself changing course. I used to get legitimately upset over winners, losers and snubs, and now in a (definitely) healthier way, I’ve discovered a pretty critical guiding star: None of this matters.
Ranking art is a silly endeavor. It’s fun sometimes and ridiculous most other times. The Oscars are as much about the glitz, glamour and memes as they are about the movies.
Are all the winners who I would have chosen? No, probably not. Does it matter a single iota? No, definitely not.
It was a fun show. We ate some pizza. Ryan Gosling sang. Sounds like a victory to me. With that said, we will be skipping losers this year. It’s all about the winners. Here we go.
Y tu mamá también
The first winner of the 2024 Oscars is the 2001 Mexican road-trip dramedy Y tu mamá también. I had never seen it before until hours before the Oscars, and it’s a banger. In all senses of the word. Directed by Alfonso Cuarón, Y tu mamá también may not have taken home any awards last night, but it did get 4.5 out of 5 stars on my Letterboxd, which is bigger than any golden statuette. It stars Mexican actors Diego Luna and Gael García Bernal and Spanish actress Maribel Verdú. I’m glad I finally watched it. Rented it from the library and everything. Great stuff.
Baby Goose
I mean, come on. What else are the Oscars for but for Ryan Gosling (aka Baby Goose) serenading the entire world with a magical rendition of “I’m Just Ken”? The man has more charisma than half the planet and seems to have the time of his life performing the Barbie hit. Gosling commits in such a beautiful way that produces such perfect comedy. I’m glad he didn’t half-ass it and instead full-assed it. It should’ve won over Billie Eilish’s ballad, but it is what it is. We got this Gosling magic. The man’s a star. It’s time to make a sequel to The Nice Guys.
Kid Gorgeous
I would be shocked at this point if John Mulaney isn’t next year’s Oscars host. It felt like yesterday was a trial run, and he passed with flying colors. Mulaney hosted the 14th Governors Awards back in January and seems to be a hit with the actors, especially Robert Downey Jr.
Mulaney was built to host awards shows. Give him the Oscars and we’ll be in for some damn good jokes. Also, it seems like Mulaney watches the movies, which is always nice.
Bits!!
For a show that usually grinds to a halt whenever a bit begins, it felt like this year’s were pretty seamless and (thankfully) short. The worst is when you’re 30 seconds into a routine that isn’t working and we then have to sit in awkwardness for another minute or so. The Melissa McCarthy and Octavia Spencer Chippendales back-and-forth was the only real failure, but other than that, things seemed pretty solid. The John Cena routine was decent, the Kimmel Trump post was a solid comeback and Kate McKinnon and Steven Spielberg are the next Abbott & Costello.
Oppy
No surprises here. Oppenheimer was the big winner of the night, especially with Best Picture, Best Director and Best Actor under its belt. It was kind of a guarantee at a certain point, but Christopher Nolan, Cillian Murphy, Josh Peck and co. held onto the belt for half a year after the movie’s release over the summer. This felt like a deadly combination of it’s time for Nolan and a money-maker having cultural resonance. It was my favorite movie of 2023, so I’m more than happy with how it all went down.
Emma (Freakin’) Stone
This was pretty damn shocking. It seemed like Lily Gladstone had things sewn up over the last month or so, but Stone in Poor Things rose to the top. I think this comes down to a couple of things.
1. The Academy just didn’t love Killers of the Flower Moon. The unbelievable Martin Scorsese picture came away empty-handed last night, which is the exact same thing that happened to the similarly-nominated The Irishman. Perhaps it’s the 3.5-hour runtime or the centering of an evil character, but the movie missed in screenplay, Leonardo DiCaprio couldn't get in for actor and looking back, it just never had a chance.
2. Something to keep in mind for future shows: The International block of the Oscars voting body keeps getting bigger and bigger. This win partially stemmed from that. Poor Things is a global movie that seems to click with various Academy branches and Greek filmmaker Yorgos Lanthimos has somehow become an Oscars staple despite his bizarre material. It’s kind of a miracle that a movie like this can become a frontrunner. After Stone’s win and Olivia Colman’s for The Favourite, it’s pretty obvious that the voters enjoy a Lanthimos acting showcase.
Gladstone is incredible in Flower Moon. So is Emma Stone in Poor Things. I would’ve been fine with either of them winning. This is Stone’s second, so it would’ve been cool to see Gladstone sneak through, but what are you gonna do? That’s life. Look how cordial and relaxed I’m being. Who am I?
Weird Shit
Poor Things was nominated for 11 awards and won four of them. That’s kind of insane for a bizarre, sexual, sci-fi romp through a dystopian earth with Emma Stone playing a dead woman brought back to life with the brain of her daughter. I’m more than happy that something like this wins awards over the usual biopic shlock, but I can’t believe this made the run it did. Nice job, everyone.
Me
We ordered pizza. I bought a red carpet. Movies were discussed. That’s all I want/need.
Bedtime
The Oscars ended early enough for me to get a few games of FIFA in after everyone left. That never happens. I lost most of the games. That usually happens.
Messi
Look at this guy. What a goddamn winner. Messi, who played Snoop in Anatomy of a Fall has met Emma Stone, Bradley Cooper and essentially every other A-Lister on his press run for the ages. He did so well garnering plaudits and pets that he almost got banned from showing up. Messi beat the allegation and rumors (unlike Kate Middleton) and was seen in person … or should we say in dog? He applauded, he peed, he was a very good boy.
Vanessa Hudgens
She’s pregnant. Congrats. Put your sneakers on. She probably won’t make it to Coachella this year.
Maestro/Bradley Cooper
Okay, maybe the dumbest—well, second-dumbest after the Greta Gerwig-Margot Robbie snub stuff—discourse this Oscars season has been basically everything surrounding Maestro. It felt like people came with knives out and teeth sharpened ready to attack this Bradley Cooper sorta-biopic even before it was released. It had that Netflix sheen, Cooper campaigned as if his life depended on it and it changed ratio and colors from scene to scene.
My official Maestro take is that it’s a good movie. It’s a bit flawed in conception but features a few of the better scenes of the year and plays like gangbusters on the big screen with surround sound.
People seemed turned off by Cooper gunning for that Oscar in the same way a backlash formed for Anne Hathaway because … she was too sincere? She wanted to win too much? I found this annoying then and find it annoying now.
It also feels like a lot of the people who are attacking the movie either didn’t see it or watched it at home while scrolling on their phone, which feels about right in 2024. I’m fine if you didn’t like it but the backlash is as silly as these things get.
Cooper will be just fine. He’s rich, dating Gigi Hadid and was on Abbott Elementary this week.
Tequila & Cigarettes
Another shtick that worked pretty well was Jimmy Kimmel and Guillermo toasting everyone at the Oscars with Don Julio 1942 Tequila. This was obviously an advertisement hidden within a bit but an ad featuring Charlize Theron surprised as hell is better than whatever commercial Don Julio would’ve run instead. I would embed the tweet here instead of linking it above but Elon Mu*k sucks.
Also, it was a big weekend for cigarettes as we found an official smoke circle featuring Kirsten Dunst, Jesse Plemons and Justine Triet at the Academy Awards. I’ve actually never had a cigarette, but if Kirsten offered me one, I don’t think I’d be able to turn that down. I mean, that’s Queen Marie Antoinette right there.
Nicolas Cage
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50 Cent
This song goes so hard. But, does it go as hard as the following quote from Anatomy of a Fall?
You complain about a life that YOU chose. You are not a victim. Not at all. Your generosity conceals something dirtier and meaner. You're incapable of facing your ambitions and you resent me for it, but I'm not the one who put you where you are. I had nothing to do with it! You're not sacrificing yourself as you say. You choose to sit on the sidelines because you're afraid! Your pride makes your head explode before you can even come up with a germ of an idea! You wake up at 40 needing someone to blame. You're the one to blame! You're petrified by your own fucking standards and your fear of failure! This is the truth!
Jesus Christ.
The Zone of Interest
Just a horrific and essential movie. It justifiably won Best International Feature Film and Best Sound. It’s worth seeing and I also don’t blame you if you skip it. Kudos to Jonathan Glazer for making a resonant, important and frightening film.
Paul Giamatti’s Single Tear
Paul Giamatti shed this tear during Da'Vine Joy Randolph’s beautiful Best Supporting Actress speech. The man didn’t win an award, but he wins every day of his life. He even has a podcast on “the wilderness of the mind.” Legend.
Hallways
I’m a big fan of this kinda awkward hallway Oscars shuffle in which someone is reading from the prompter while winners and presenters walk through. It reminds you that the stars really are just like us.
Yoga
I took a CorePower class before the Oscars that played different film scores from La La Land to Oppenheimer to Pirates of the Caribbean. Attempting to do a half-moon pose while the Avatar music blares is what it’s all about. Also, leaving a hot room to cool air is one of the best feelings there is.
Zendaya
She has never lost a day in her life.
Godzilla
Godzilla Minus One winning an Oscar for Visual Effects is one of those super cool things that we’ll always remember from this year. The movie looks unbelievable, especially when considering its paltry budget compared to similarly-themed monster films, and the crew was all-in on celebrating the movie. Just look at those shoes. They also carried mini Godzilla action figures. Fun as hell.
Marty
Martin Scorsese did not win an Oscar last night, but no one needs them less than him. His work speaks for itself. He enjoyed “I’m Just Ken” with his daughter and appeared to have a night on the town. The 81-year-old is royalty at this point. He puts out masterpieces every few years and then goes viral on TikTok. He’ll be fine without another gold statue.
The International Voting Body
The more the Oscars expand internationally, the more I see interesting and less generic Oscarbait winning. The Parasite win in 2020 felt like a real changing of the guard and 2024 wins for features like The Boy and the Heron, Anatomy of a Fall, Godzilla Minus One, The Zone of Interest and even Poor Things feel like part of that shift. It’s something to keep in mind when filling out ballots and thinking about nominations in the future.
Madame Web
This terrible (and incredible) movie got multiple shoutouts at the 2024 Academy Awards. What a press tour from Dakota Johnson. Hall-of-Fame stuff from one of our premier Nepo Babies.
Domino’s Pizza
We got into a heated debate during the Oscars over Domino’s and whether it’s good. I say, yes. It’s not a New York slice, but I still enjoy it for what it is. It’s a fast-food pizza that tastes good and also makes you feel terrible the next morning. We didn’t end up getting Domino’s, which might have been a mistake, but that’s something we can remedy in 2025.
Rebecca Ferguson
The Rebecca Ferguson Dune: Part Two Oscars press tour is coming. Dune’s going to be nominated all over the place at the 2025 Academy Awards and Ferguson will be there. The daffy and intimidating star has become one of my favorites. I’m very excited to see what chaos she brings and what absurd quotes she utters. See you next year, Rebecca.