How Would Mia Goth Ruin Your Life?
Let's take a closer look at the unhinged woman behind your nightmares.
Every once in a while, a rom-com star comes out of nowhere stealing the screen. A small-town woman in a big-time city, this lead (whoever she is) is full of light and hope and just wants to meet someone that will make everything worth it.
Then, Mia Goth shows up, gets her addicted to methamphetamines, traps her betrothed in a basement and forces her to rob a bank in order to live.
Now, that may not be a real movie, but it might as well be.
We have a lot of stellar actors and actresses entering 2023, but no one is a ticking time bomb in the same way that Goth is. Her God-given name is Mia Gypsy Mello da Silva Goth. She was born to be a thrilling/terrifying actress.
The latest movie I’ve seen her in is the delightfully loony Infinity Pool, which is less of a horror movie and more of a series of choices that make you more and more uncomfortable. In a good way, of course.
There’s a strong chance that many of you reading this won’t see this one, so I’m going to give you a (very long) one-sentence spoiler. You don’t have to read it. If you do, that’s on you.
A husband and wife spend some time at a beautiful resort on a fictional island that is surrounded by poverty and a corrupt government, and then they meet another couple that convinces them to leave the secure hideaway, but then the first husband accidentally drives his car into a pedestrian forcing the police to take over and they very quickly sentence him to his death, until another option arises which is that the seaside country will allow him to create a clone of himself which will then be executed instead, however once that happens, the main guy gets sucked into a group of rich tourists that know about this murder loophole and becomes drawn into their orgiastic ways as they can do whatever they want without any fear or repercussions as their doubles will take all of the scrutiny and punishment.
The movie somehow makes that description look tame.
I greatly enjoyed it, and a big reason for that is Mia Goth, who is having more fun as a demented upper-class asshole and the siren that lures Alexander Skarsgård’s protagonist into chaos.
At just 29 years old, Goth has a resume in horror and thrillers that most would work a lifetime for. Along with Infinity Pool, she’s starred in X, Pearl, Suspiria and High Life. She’s wildly wicked in all of them.
We could just sit here and look at her IMDb and say “great job” and move on, but instead, let’s see what would happen if we put Mia Goth into a bunch of random movies. Here’s another spoiler … they are drastically different films.
What if Mia Goth was in The Wizard of Oz?
To put it bluntly, there’s no way this works out for Dorothy. Let’s say Mia Goth is another Kansan who somehow makes it to Munchkinland, I see Goth skulking behind Dorothy and co., as they make their way to the Emerald City, waiting for a chance to attain the ruby slippers for herself. There’s no way that Goth doesn’t befriend some flying monkeys, gaining their trust in order to get what she wants. The twist is that it’s not water that Goth puts in the bucket that Dorothy ultimately throws, but hydrofluoric acid. Dorothy gets sent to Oz prison while Goth steals the slippers—once she burns the Scarecrow, rusts the Tin Man and claims the Cowardly Lion as her pet. She takes Dorothy’s place back in Kansas and brings along the flying monkeys back with her, eventually taking over the United States political system and becoming Marjorie Taylor Greene.
What if Mia Goth was in La La Land?
I see Mia Goth as one of Emma Stone/Mia’s roommates from the beginning of the movie, jealous that she found her Sebastian in Ryan Gosling. In order to break them apart, Goth falsifies her identity and begins to lure in Sebastian. The two have an affair and Goth convinces him to give up on his dreams of owning a club and instead join Maroon 5. Sebastian goes insane from the mediocre music—not including Songs About Jane, of course—and gets put into an insane asylum. Just for fun, Goth writes to Mia pretending to be a friend of her aunt who lived in Paris. She gets Mia to travel to France but not before hiding multiple weapons in her carry-on. Mia goes to a French prison, never becomes an actress and ultimately breaks out, beginning a life of crime all with the end goal of killing Mia Goth.
What if Mia Goth was in Jaws?
Let’s put Mia Goth in Jaws. Why not? As scary as the titular shark is, nothing is as terrifying as a put-upon Goth. After being bullied one too many times, Goth forms a pact of sorts with the shark enticing fellow youths to the water. Instead of a shark on a rampage, we have a team working together to destroy Amity Island. Kind of like in Avatar: The Way of Water (technically, a movie), our “hero” bonds with the shark and the two spend the rest of their days terrorizing the island just for fun. After the mayor goes missing, Goth decides to run for the position and wins due to fearmongering and gerrymandering. A team goes out, eventually killing the main shark, but little do they know that Goth has drawn in more and more sharks to the nearby waters. The national guard is called in. Goth, in John Wick style, defends her shores. The movie gets a C- CinemaScore.
So, umm, yeah. That’s it for this week. Thanks. Bye.