How To Barbenheimer
We did it. It's here. Praise be!
We are so fucking back.
The other day I was on the subway and overheard two people discussing Barbenheimer. Later, I was walking by the Strand and happened upon an entire group planning for Barbenheimer. The city is alive, and everyone’s talking about the unhinged double feature of the decade, Barbie and Oppenheimer (not in that order, of course).
Perhaps you were struck by a baseball at a friend’s son’s little league game, so you were in a coma and have no clue what I’m talking about. But … if you weren’t struck by a baseball at a friend’s son’s little league game, you certainly know about the event of the century incoming. What started as a bit became a bit bigger as people seem heavily invested in turning a run-of-the-mill day into something more special.
I could shed a tear over how beautiful this is. People are thinking about, talking about and seeking out movies. One, a blockbuster feminist comedy based on a toy. The other, a three-hour epic about death and destruction. These movies couldn’t be more different, and I find that beautiful.
I will be partaking in this once-in-a-lifetime event at the end of the week. I’ll surely update you afterward. I have an Oppenheimer screening at one of the biggest IMAX theaters in the world at 2:30 p.m. and then a 7:30 Barbie showing with a large group of friends in a sold-out bonanza. I was built for this moment. It’s truly all been leading to this. With that said, here are some tips and tricks to making the most of your Barbenheimer experience.
Order, order, order
I want to be clear here: The correct order is Oppenheimer and then Barbie. An epic meal followed by a captivating dessert. That’s what I’ll be doing. That’s what most people will be doing. With that said, however, I have nothing but respect for someone who reverses course and ends their day with nuclear war. That’s real unhinged behavior and an automatic need for therapy. It’s kind of what I wanted to do, but that was quickly turned down by everyone I knew.
BYOB(ottle)
This is my theater lifehack. If you’re an AMC employee, please don’t read this. Bring your own water bottle or empty Gatorade bottle (or whatever) to the theater, and just fill it up there. Most AMCs have the touch-screen soda dispensers out in the open, so you can just do whatever you want. Fill it up, mix it up, live it up. Buying a drink is ridiculously expensive. You’ve already shelled out for tickets and nuclear materials so you can practice being Robert Oppenheimer. You don’t have to pay for Diet Coke too.
Space it out
I know you’re excited. Trust me. But, direct back-to-back films are only for the best of the best. I have 90 minutes or so between my showings and you should do something similar. Go for a walk, get a quick bite to eat, leave the theater and then return. Between the movies and the trailers, if you don’t create your own break, you’re looking at over six hours straight. It’s a beautiful idea but can lead to insanity. Remember, it’s supposed to be fun. Not an ordeal.
Dress up (if you can)
When’s the next time we’ll see a cultural moment like this? Wonkoleon (Wonka and Napoleon) doesn’t have the same ring to it. If you have pink, wear pink. If you have an Oppenheimer shirt—weird but you do you—rock that. This is the cinema’s biggest day. Celebrate it.
Bathroom planning
Perhaps this is me being insane, but I’m a bit worried for Oppenheimer. A three-hour movie in the middle of the day? I know I’m going to have to pee. As someone who watched The Irishman in theaters, I feel like I’m the go-to source for what to do here. Don’t go to the bathroom the second you get to the theater. Wait for the trailers to start and then get your business done. We usually have 25-30 minutes of trailers, so wait for the second one, head out to the bathroom and then get back with plenty of time remaining. This is your best chance to make it through the entire ordeal. Be smart about your water intake beforehand too. Don’t treat yourself badly, but maybe you don’t need to drink all of those liquids right beforehand.
Watch a movie
Greta Gerwig and Christopher Nolan are two of the best we’ve got. Not really a bold statement, but it is what it is. Unless you’re making a Thursday trek to the cinemas, you have a chance to watch a Nolan or Gerwig movie (or both) before you Barbenheimer. Do whatever you want, but if you want my rec: Go for Frances Ha and/or Dunkirk. Frances Ha may not be directed by Gerwig but is my favorite movie that she’s a part of, and it looks to have more in common with Barbie than one would think. Frances Ha is set fully in the real world but feels like a fairytale of sorts in which a New Yorker floats around trying to make something of herself. I haven’t seen Barbie yet, but just from the trailers, there seems to be an air of unsettledness and anxiety that beckons back to France Ha. For Nolan, I would go with his (in my correct opinion) best movie, which is Dunkirk. Not only is it his grandest film, but there seems to be a bit of a thread between Dunkirk’s evils of war with Oppenheimer’s depravity and destruction. Or watch whatever you want. It’s your Barbenheimer.
Be a good person
Don’t ruin the movie. Keep your phone away. Don’t talk throughout. Don’t start applauding at random moments. This is less for you and more for me. I just don’t want any assholes with terrible theater etiquette sitting near me. This is my Super Bowl, except even better. Have a good time, but more importantly, do your best to make sure that I have a good time.