How I'd Die In A Horror Movie
There are plenty of ways to be killed in horror movies. Let's count the ways.
There comes a point in every horror movie—where the protagonist is running away from an apex predator or hiding from a ghostly apparition or pulling a knife out of their leg and trying not to shriek—in which I always think … man, this person will do anything to survive.
I respect that, and certainly, I would do my best to keep on living, but as someone who constantly hurts their back while sleeping and stubs his toe on every living surface imaginable, I can’t truly believe that I would last that long when the going gets tough.
Last Friday, a friend and I saw Barbarian, which is a blast, and as we explained the plot of the movie gory-detail-by-gory-detail to another friend on the subway, I realized just how fucked up and bizarre this movie actually was. I recommend it to the highest degree.
After watching Barbarian, I thought of how I would cope with the situation. What would I do if I was one of a double-booked Airbnb that had a hidden staircase that led to [REDACTED]? How would I handle it? Would I survive? Could I think of any cool one-liners to get the audience on my side? Well, let’s find out.
There are many, many more types of horror movies, but let’s take four of the more utilized tropes, and I’ll walk you through what I would do if faced with near-certain death … and worse.
Slasher
Okay, this is a classic. We’re at a cabin in the woods. It’s me and a few friends, and we unpack and then stock the fridge with alcohol and assorted meats. Some games, perhaps with some beer (as one does), and then we’re playing Kings or other card games around a small table next to the couch. I moved to the floor to fully stretch out and—there’s a knock at the door. Someone else (I’m too lazy to get up), goes to see who it is. No one’s there. Weird. My friend takes a few steps outside and suddenly the door slams shut and blood starts to seep through. That’s not good. It’s your traditional guy (it’s always a guy) with a mask holding a knife. I think I would survive for a while, as I’m relatively fast and was good at hide-and-seek in kindergarten, yet I do think I eventually perish. I’m not great with blood and I can’t really breathe through my nose. Eventually, my mouth-breathing would give me away. Maybe I make it out of the house, go into a sprint and make it to the reservoir a mile or so away, but I’m a mediocre swimmer at best, and I’ve never been in a real fight, so I would never be able to take the enemy in the one-on-one battle. Villain with a knife 1-Greg 0.
There’s Something in the House
This is the one in which I think I have the best chance. As a 20-something that lives in the city and has a college debt the size of Nebraska, I know that I’ll never afford a house. So this isn’t a real worry. Let’s say this is some alternate universe where I can purchase a house of some kind, I can’t imagine caring enough about the home to stay in it. That’s always my thing with horror movies. Just leave the house. Why do you care this much? It’s a bunch of furniture. I would be pissed about leaving behind my blu-ray collection though. Anyway, picture this, I’m in the house watching La La Land or whatever and I hear a clanging upstairs. I pick up a flashlight and creep toward the attic. A bloody hand slams against the door. I jump but I also say, “man, this is just like in [insert movie reference here].” The ghost or whatever’s there creepily says something like “oh, I’ve never seen that one.” And then we sit down and watch a movie together. I make popcorn. The specter’s semblance of a hand keeps gliding through the snack. We laugh. It’s a good time. Maybe we watch The Sound of Music next. That’s the phantom’s favorite movie actually. That’s a win for cinema.
Body Horror
Now, this is a vague category but just go with me here. I guess body horror can also include anything from Titane to Saw, but in this instance, I’m thinking mad scientist whose experiments go awry. I was never good at biology or chemistry, so it would be very me to accidentally turn myself into a human-fly hybrid or whatever the hot new creepy insect monster is. Let’s say I pull a Jeff Goldblum and turn myself into a fly-man amalgamation. How do I handle that? Poorly. I’m a creature of habit and I would try to do what I always do. Maybe I’d go to the gym or invite friends to trivia. You know what you don’t want while working out or answering questions about pop culture, a disgusting human-sized bug creature oozing all over the floor and making weird sounds that distract you from the early-2000s playlist that’s playing hit after hit. Someone calls animal control, which is very, very rude. And the next thing I know, I’m in the back of some van that says ANIMAL CONTROL but is actually a government agency trying to replicate the monster that I am to send a coterie of grotesques into the middle east or something for oil. I die quickly after getting shot repeatedly. It’s sad. No one buries my body. My trivia team doesn’t even get top three.
Cute Child/Evil Clown
This may seem like a random connection, but there’s only one thing worse than a clown … a child. The two are eerily similar. They make weird noises and are constantly running around without a care in the world and I don’t want to see either one while I’m eating a meal. In this story, I adopt a kid for tax purposes, I guess. I don’t know why. And then, the kid slowly morphs into a small clown. [Editor’s Note: I’m writing this on a Monday. I barely know what I’m saying anymore.] The kid-clown torments me and starts to try to kill me (in increasingly humorous ways) day after day. A banana peel that if I slip on it will lead me right to a guillotine or a nose honking that attempts to startle me and would lead to my demise falling down a flight of stairs. It’s traumatic, but eventually, the clown-kid and I hit it off. I love this clown-kid and I send him off to clown college, but the clown-kid (named Elijah) never returns my calls and moves on without keeping his father in his life. Elijah marries and quickly rises up the ranks of Goldman Sachs. I die of a broken heart.
Umm, yeah. That’s it. See you next week. This was a weird one.