Dumpuary Is At It Again

The movies are bad right now. And that's okay.

The thing about writing a weekly newsletter is that I’m constantly forgetting what I’ve written about in the past. My memory is shot; instead, I can only remember random Taylor Swift lyrics, books I read in middle school and where I saw a specific movie eight years ago. All of those thoughts are rolling around in my brain, and yet, I had to search my own archives to see if I’ve ever written about Dumpuary before.

For the plebeians out there, Dumpuary is the dregs of the movie calendar. We’re done with Oscars hopefuls and a little too early for action-blockbuster time and interesting indie fare. Instead, we get Jason Statham cosplaying as a beekeeper and a horror movie about a haunted pool. And you know what? I’m okay with it.

The last time I wrote about Dumpuary, I was in a bad mood, which is understandable. It’s cold in January and I had just seen the abysmal The 355. This year, I’m trying to be more optimistic. The premises (as I just described in the last paragraph) are sillier than ever and I prefer a knowing wink to some try-hard garbage. The movies just aren’t that good right now, but you never know.

I’m still yet to see the new Mean Girls, which looks fun and dumb, and we have a space station thriller in I.S.S. and one of the more ill-conceived cultural critiques in Miller’s Girl. Josh Hutcherson’s playing a fuckboy, Nick Miller is hanging out with Andy Samberg and Kerry Condon has to pretend to act across from evil water.

With that said, not all is lost. I just saw Sometimes I Think About Dying, which is easily my favorite new release I’ve seen this year. To be fair, I’ve only seen four new movies, but we’ll take it. It centers on a loner played by Daisy Ridley trying to survive the doldrums of a 9-5. There’s also Slack flirting, exhausting icebreakers and a murder-mystery party. It’s really funny and gives us the slightest bit of hope that January and February movies won’t be all bad.

It’s tough that it’s so cold out and we don’t have the best of fare in theaters, and yet, it’s a yearly occurrence. But, anything’s better than a new Netflix airplane action movie starring Kevin Hart, so count your blessings.

For those looking for something to watch, might I also recommend non-2024 movies? Now’s the time to try something random. Perhaps a disturbing Dutch horror film from 1988? Or maybe a 2011 exploration into gender and French siblinghood? 20th Century Women from 2016 is always a winner.

Anyway, live your life and watch something good. Or watch Statham yell a bunch of bee puns. That’s pretty fun too.

Let John Mulaney Host Everything

But also the Oscars…

I know we’re less than two months away from the Oscars, so it’s not going to happen this year, but we should just give Mulaney the 2025 hosting gig now. We don’t need to play around with this. Just let this perfect host host.

I’ve said my piece on the disaster that was Jo Koy at the Golden Globes, but I don’t see why we wouldn’t lean on Mulaney here anyway. He has a cadence that feels right for these types of events, is close enough to the acting world so it doesn’t seem too random, is funny (obviously) and actually seems to see the movies.

The man once went on SNL to break down The Mule, a movie that my dad liked and no one else saw. Mulaney’s putting in the work.

His jokes at the Governors Awards weren’t easy zingers, but instead well-thought-out and smart observations that had bite to them. It’s lame to make a Jo Koy-esque joke about Oppenheimer being long, but Mulaney instead focused on the Rami Malek character and craft services. There’s a specificity and wit that works here.

“Angela Bassett is so great she got nominated for an Oscar, for a Marvel movie. That's like getting a Pulitzer for a Reddit comment.”

I know I’m in the bag for Mulaney—I’ve seen him a half-dozen times and he once roasted me—but this is what we should be aiming for when it comes to the Oscars. We know the man owns a suit for the occasion. Let him wear it.